In this later, the guild president of Kiwaani university - a suspect institution in a dickensian Kampala slum - replies his erstwile girlfriend Mary, who had jilted him. He pleads with her, and promises to be a better man. Here goes, leidies and genomen:
KIWAANI UNIVERCITY
KIMOMBASA
UGANDA
My deer Merry, I rissived your later in which you spoke that we should divide. I was so saprised. Everyday every day, I was thinking that you had given me your hat in fool. I new that we were going to marry itch other. I thinked that I was going to put a wring on your middle thumb. But for you, you dissided to divorce your boyfriend out of the blew. You did not even here my said of the story. Listen to it now, I no you will exchange your mind.
Time:
You know that I am the carrent gilled president of Kiwaani Univercity. It means that I am a bizy man. That is the reason why sumtimes I find it had to sea you. Even telephoning your phone is hard, since we are in meatings, disscursing impotant matyrs all the time. But for you, you think that I be there chiting on you. For us liders, we do not do those bad mannas. Also, for me I am bone again, and can not trit you like that, becose I love you so march. Please bare with me sweat hat. Very soon we shall bee leaving very harpily without those disstabenses. I am not lying you, I swea.
Out:
You seid that I don’t take you out into modarn places . I promiss to take you to the whole places you want. You will eat and drink all the food you want and I will pay. I will not do like some mane who feil to pay and they are talled to warsh prates.You will eat cheaps, sourcage and leaver at any racetorant you want. Then we will go to the bar cold Fart Boy’s or even Stick Out and you drink any bottles you want. Even if you want to dans disco, we will go to Anjenwa, and dans antil the sooles of our shoes remove. When you become tyred, we shall rent a spesho to take ass away. Please calm bark to me, I will not missbihave badly again. Even the baible says that we fourgive itch other. Please ripit after it also.
Wading:
You also quarroed in your later that I do not want to wade you. But you just put both your two eyes like this. I will fast calm to your home and we do the introduckshone. It will even be talked about in the newspeppers like the one of Jose Kamiryon. Even if your parents ask for how many miryons, I will give them, plas even many other prizes.
The wading seremone will we very well agonized, so that there will not be those annoying things of badily agonized wadings. Our gests will be sarved in time, and we shall have little talkers, so that they don’t boar our people.We shall make sure we sheikh all their hands to congrajulate them for being attentive at our wading. From then, we shall be together, until death do us a party.
Kizito Joseph
Gilled president
Kiwaani Univercity
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Some Bad English
Behold all ye! A few months and the queen of England will set second foot in the land of GAVI funds. To the uninitiated, the queen is the most respected English speaker in the world, as it were. She is the custodian of the language that keeps eluding Ugandan mayors.
This means that any badly flavoured use of her language irritates her. It gives her pustules behind the ears.
In the run up to her visit, I think all and sundry should enjoy the last of mbogos before she comes.
We do not want to be banished from the common wealth mbu we intoxicated the queen with our verbal poisons. To show the way, I am going to puke the bad English I have borne all this long. It is an epistle I write as the guild president of a dodgy Ugandan University. Here goes:
Deer quin, how are you? My names are cold Kizito Joseph. I am the gilled president of Kiwaani univercity. I am saw harpy you are calming to sea ass in Uganda. I have ritten this later to ask you to allso come and visit ass at hour univercity.
Whane you calm we shall welcalm you and you will go bark saying that eh,eh!, those people are not for jokes.We shall cook food and every one will it and fill sacrificed in there stomakas.We shall haya good cookers and tell them to cook good food. We will cook rice and slotter kitchens. If we can, we will haya those pupil of kitchen toonight. Even those who drink bear and sooda will drink until they push with there legs.
Do not warry about our kitchen, they do not have bad flu. Even the rices will be picked well, one by one to remove stones.We will get the rice from Professa Gill-butt Bukenyas firm in Kakiri. His rice stinks well when cooked, and you will be entartained by it.
After lanch we shall call the camel man to beat us some fotows. He will go and wash them there and then, to make life more easier. But when those fotows die, we shall take him to poris to be intergorrated by CMI
For us we shall then walk on the all university so that you enjoy the towerist attractions like the bads.
You will lonch the new sweeming pull which is near the tennis coats. If you will be wanting, you will sweem and hear for your self how medarn it is.You can even co mpute with our din of students and we sea who is more better in sweeming.
Then we shall go to the main hole, were you will talk your spich to the all university peeple. After you undress them, they will be allowed to ask you there quetions and you will ask them your answers.
In the afternoon, at about seven pm, we shall bring Ugandan and Tanzania musicians for you to sea how good there voices are. Kamiryon will sing with professar jje. Baby Cull will sing with Sweat Kid and others and others. We shall not bring Tinda Tiine, she disappionted ass her funs at the bitch the other time.People through bottles at her, and she drived away in a car.
I only want to make one remainder. You calm with your water for drinking. These days some people have been doing bad mannas to their frends. A satan woman was poysoned in that way at a loj.
For that rison, you calm with your mineral water and keep if in a frije. This whole yar the weather has bean very hot. It is good that your car has a an hair condissioner, you will not fill hot.
Last but not list, thank you for ridding my later. Please axept to visit ass. Allow me to pane off from hear.I have to rid for tomorrows pepper of business low.
This means that any badly flavoured use of her language irritates her. It gives her pustules behind the ears.
In the run up to her visit, I think all and sundry should enjoy the last of mbogos before she comes.
We do not want to be banished from the common wealth mbu we intoxicated the queen with our verbal poisons. To show the way, I am going to puke the bad English I have borne all this long. It is an epistle I write as the guild president of a dodgy Ugandan University. Here goes:
KIWAANI UNIVERCITY
KIMOMBASA
UGANDA
Deer quin, how are you? My names are cold Kizito Joseph. I am the gilled president of Kiwaani univercity. I am saw harpy you are calming to sea ass in Uganda. I have ritten this later to ask you to allso come and visit ass at hour univercity.
Whane you calm we shall welcalm you and you will go bark saying that eh,eh!, those people are not for jokes.We shall cook food and every one will it and fill sacrificed in there stomakas.We shall haya good cookers and tell them to cook good food. We will cook rice and slotter kitchens. If we can, we will haya those pupil of kitchen toonight. Even those who drink bear and sooda will drink until they push with there legs.
Do not warry about our kitchen, they do not have bad flu. Even the rices will be picked well, one by one to remove stones.We will get the rice from Professa Gill-butt Bukenyas firm in Kakiri. His rice stinks well when cooked, and you will be entartained by it.
After lanch we shall call the camel man to beat us some fotows. He will go and wash them there and then, to make life more easier. But when those fotows die, we shall take him to poris to be intergorrated by CMI
For us we shall then walk on the all university so that you enjoy the towerist attractions like the bads.
You will lonch the new sweeming pull which is near the tennis coats. If you will be wanting, you will sweem and hear for your self how medarn it is.You can even co mpute with our din of students and we sea who is more better in sweeming.
Then we shall go to the main hole, were you will talk your spich to the all university peeple. After you undress them, they will be allowed to ask you there quetions and you will ask them your answers.
In the afternoon, at about seven pm, we shall bring Ugandan and Tanzania musicians for you to sea how good there voices are. Kamiryon will sing with professar jje. Baby Cull will sing with Sweat Kid and others and others. We shall not bring Tinda Tiine, she disappionted ass her funs at the bitch the other time.People through bottles at her, and she drived away in a car.
I only want to make one remainder. You calm with your water for drinking. These days some people have been doing bad mannas to their frends. A satan woman was poysoned in that way at a loj.
For that rison, you calm with your mineral water and keep if in a frije. This whole yar the weather has bean very hot. It is good that your car has a an hair condissioner, you will not fill hot.
Last but not list, thank you for ridding my later. Please axept to visit ass. Allow me to pane off from hear.I have to rid for tomorrows pepper of business low.
Yours faithfooly
Kizito Joseph
Gilled president
Kiwaani Univercity
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Hardest Jobs On Earth
World over, people have their own conceptions and misconceptions about certain jobs. Today, your only reliable brain in Ugandan university tackles a topic that verges on that. Definately, some jobs are quite easy. Take a weather forecaster in Algeria. He can simply walk out of his bed and declare to the nation "...sunny and dry throughout the coutry". Most certainly, it will come to pass. The viewers will be happy and so will his bosses.There are, however some jobs that would stress any one with nerves. In no particular order, I present some of them. Have fun!
Musomesa:
My dear mother, the beautiful Margaret Nanyanzi (excuse the obsession), is a teacher at the most stressful of levels - primary school. For some reason, parents here want to be know-it-alls. Every one of them wants their child to sit on one of the most proximal seats. They forget to remember that class rooms are built in threee dimension. If every child were to sit on the front row, some will have to clamour on the window or even peep from outside - to keep the line!
It is the same parents who keep fronting all possible reasons as to why why their kid keeps goofing exams.They only forget to mention the genetics at play. A man with a pea-sized brain elopes with a slightly worse mama and they expect their mutt to top a class. This is a typical case of Chameleone's Beefuula!
The barber:
The untiring men who mow our scalps must be among the most tolerant batch in the world. Imagine a guy entering your salon and demanding you model his beard of whiskers, to appear like that of Robert Pires or Geoffrey Lutaaya (How I dislike it!). Then on lowering your head to start the task, you realise it is quite uphill. The guy's breath is one of a month's beans, groundnuts and perhaps the Kamwookya herb!But you are supposed to endure.He is your first client since eight of the clock. Besides, you are but a barber - a kinyoozi.Then there are those guys who have a lot of dandruff. Sometimes it is so much you can bake a cake out of it.Yet you can not complain, even when it is clogging the blades of your machine.
Worse if the guy has a protruding occipital (enkoona), or a head as big as a computer monitor. This would not be a problem in itself, but such guys have a penchant for under declaring their assets when payment time is nigh. They perpetually want to pay less than their worth.
Sanitary engineer:
This is my euphemism of choice for 'toilet cleaner'.I don't know about others, but those in Ugandan universities have a very torrid time. Bambi when they prepare their CV's and apply for the job, they think it will be easy all the way; that they will be dealing with intellectuals. How off-the-mark!It is on their first day at work when they learn the other uses of The New Vision, The Red Pepper, The Daily Monitor and most shockingly, Alpha milk sachets!
And since an average campuser is constipated twenty one hours a day (Don't feign exclusion), there are always those sausages that never go, however turbulent the flush. The women of God are supposed to appear every single morning of their lives,to show them the safe way to Bugoloobi!!!
Musomesa:
My dear mother, the beautiful Margaret Nanyanzi (excuse the obsession), is a teacher at the most stressful of levels - primary school. For some reason, parents here want to be know-it-alls. Every one of them wants their child to sit on one of the most proximal seats. They forget to remember that class rooms are built in threee dimension. If every child were to sit on the front row, some will have to clamour on the window or even peep from outside - to keep the line!
It is the same parents who keep fronting all possible reasons as to why why their kid keeps goofing exams.They only forget to mention the genetics at play. A man with a pea-sized brain elopes with a slightly worse mama and they expect their mutt to top a class. This is a typical case of Chameleone's Beefuula!
The barber:
The untiring men who mow our scalps must be among the most tolerant batch in the world. Imagine a guy entering your salon and demanding you model his beard of whiskers, to appear like that of Robert Pires or Geoffrey Lutaaya (How I dislike it!). Then on lowering your head to start the task, you realise it is quite uphill. The guy's breath is one of a month's beans, groundnuts and perhaps the Kamwookya herb!But you are supposed to endure.He is your first client since eight of the clock. Besides, you are but a barber - a kinyoozi.Then there are those guys who have a lot of dandruff. Sometimes it is so much you can bake a cake out of it.Yet you can not complain, even when it is clogging the blades of your machine.
Worse if the guy has a protruding occipital (enkoona), or a head as big as a computer monitor. This would not be a problem in itself, but such guys have a penchant for under declaring their assets when payment time is nigh. They perpetually want to pay less than their worth.
Sanitary engineer:
This is my euphemism of choice for 'toilet cleaner'.I don't know about others, but those in Ugandan universities have a very torrid time. Bambi when they prepare their CV's and apply for the job, they think it will be easy all the way; that they will be dealing with intellectuals. How off-the-mark!It is on their first day at work when they learn the other uses of The New Vision, The Red Pepper, The Daily Monitor and most shockingly, Alpha milk sachets!
And since an average campuser is constipated twenty one hours a day (Don't feign exclusion), there are always those sausages that never go, however turbulent the flush. The women of God are supposed to appear every single morning of their lives,to show them the safe way to Bugoloobi!!!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Explaining CHOGM
I am a man who gives back to the community. I share with them whatever I know and they don't. It is the reason they educated me in the first place.
Today I will give them a clear picture of what CHOGM really is:
Chaw gum is a type of chewing gum, made somewhere in Munyonyo, here in our country. It is the replacement brand for Orbit, which is so had to come by these days. Later in th year, the queen of England will be here to launch this product. Notable guests will be Sir Alex Ferguson and Rio ferdinand. They are fervent consumers of chewing gum.
Today I will give them a clear picture of what CHOGM really is:
Chaw gum is a type of chewing gum, made somewhere in Munyonyo, here in our country. It is the replacement brand for Orbit, which is so had to come by these days. Later in th year, the queen of England will be here to launch this product. Notable guests will be Sir Alex Ferguson and Rio ferdinand. They are fervent consumers of chewing gum.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Shot on location: A man's underwoos
Guys, have you ever met a pretty female buddy, and as you strike kaboozi things go haywire in the underwear? Munange for me I have. All of a sudden, little willy below my belt throws a tantrum. He stiffens and points out, threatening the shred my boxer. It shouldn't be him, my trusted servant, protesting my happy moment with an angel.
But I am far smarter than him. I have devised a plan to let such glitches go unnoticed by the other half of the dialogue:
But I am far smarter than him. I have devised a plan to let such glitches go unnoticed by the other half of the dialogue:
- Stand cross legged (Innovative aren't I)
- Pull out your phone pretend to press the buttons, but a meter ahead
- If pretty chick begs you for a push, never be a fool to accept. Let her go and stand still, till the engine cools. Then go on to admit, you have been shot on location!
New kid on the blog
yyes! the sexiest, most charming, girl-trapping character is now on the blog. forget the horse manure you have been seeing. This is the most ball-istic (pun intended) thing ever to grace your cornea.
Please visit regularly you will have fun always; I promise!
Please visit regularly you will have fun always; I promise!
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